Power in the Family

I am writing a statement about power in the family for our book on Parenting.  In the process I came across something Virginia Satir told me in 1985.  "There is a family myth that only one person in a family can have power.  Each individual has their own type of power."  I find this to be a powerful statement.  As a therapist I frequently get lulled into focusing on the power of the father, or the mother, or the identified patient.  When in actuality, I need to recognize that each of them has their own unique type of power.

Whitaker's Advice to Couples in Trouble

A psychiatrist friend of mine, trained with my mentor, Carl Whitaker, M.D.   We shared a bond having both had the privilege of being close to Carl.  We often shared stories about Carl’s more extreme ideas.  One day, my friend took me aside to talk.  He had a very serious tone to his voice.  He told me that his marriage was in trouble.  They had tried, on their own, to work out their differences, but had thus far been unsuccessful.  Both he and his wife wanted the relationship to work and were desperate to save the marriage.  Finally, they both agreed that they would impose on Carl and ask him for his thoughts and recommendations.  

He reminded me that Carl was considered the grandfather of family therapy.  He was internationally recognized as an expert in marital relationships.  This was a great opportunity for my friend to obtain advice on his marriage from the ‘master.’

“And what do you think he said?”  I didn’t have any idea what Carl Whitaker had told him.  I had long since given up trying to second guess Carl.  He always surprised me.  “Do you know what he said, do you know what he said?  He said fight it out.  I waited for a moment to see what else he was going to add, but that was it.  With all the information and wisdom he has, all he could tell me was to fight it out.”  

My friend was very disappointed.  He was obviously expecting a more thorough and extensive response.  I don’t think he took Carl up on his recommendation, because I heard later that the couple had separated.  The more I consider the advise, the more impressed I am.  In its simplicity, Carl had captured the heart of what strengthens couples.  If a committed couple can tolerate the anxiety of fighting out their difficulties (in a fair way), interact on such a passionate and meaningful level, and resolve the conflict, the relationship has to grow in intimacy.  If they can’t tolerate the kind of intimacy that comes with fighting, it will be very difficult for the relationship to grow.   

A version of this was published in the Connecticut Connection.

Thank you Mark Twain

I learned an important lesson about writing when I visited the Mark Twain house in Hartford, Connecticut.  During the tour, they took us to his writing room.  It was a beautiful room with an elegant pool table in the middle of it.  In the left corner was his writing desk and next to the writing desk was what looked like a mail box with a number of cubbies in it.  I asked about the interesting structure.  Mark Twain would generally be working on a number of manuscripts at a time.  Each cubby contained a different project he was working on.  He would work on a particular subject until "the well would run dry."  He would then put it away and work on a different topic.  Later in time, when he came back to the original subject he would find that the well was again filled with more to write.  Knowing this gives the author permission to leave one subject and move onto another.  

I often found that at 2 AM in the morning, I would be empty of things I wanted to write in Bedlam.  I would go to bed feeling drained.  However, the following morning, not only would I know where I wanted to go with my writing, the actual next line would be available in my head.  I have to give permission for my writing to follow the pace of my spirit.  

Teaching Feminism to Little Boys

Teaching Feminism to Little Boys

Carl Whitaker, M.D. often asked the question, "Of what value is a father?"  Appreciating this question, I have posed it to groups with whom I work.  Over the years, I have been impressed with the inadequacy of the answers I have received.  When you ask this question to single mothers, they will tell you, adamantly, that fathers are totally useless. 

In answering his own question, Carl postulated that the value of a father to a little girl is that this may be the only male in her life that will love her without any sexual complications.  Whether or not you agree, his point is worth considering.  However, Carl's answer was incomplete.  I was left with the question of what value are fathers to their sons.  What can a father teach boys that a mother cannot?

Recently, my wife inadvertently provided me with an answer.  She and another mother were talking about when they first had sons.  They were committed to raising mature men who were not chauvinistic.  Evidently, they had made a pact that they would raise their boys to respect women and treat them as equals.  They agreed that they would make sure that their boys learned to take their own dishes to the sink, to help around the house and to treat women respectfully, etc.  I was impressed with their plan.  As a result I started thinking about how boys learn feminism.  Feminism, in my definition, is recognizing the equality between genders without assigning a role to either gender.  

I remember asking a friend if he had the "sex talk" with his 14-year-old son.  His son is handsome, athletic and intelligent.  As a result, every night he was receiving multiple phone calls from girls.  My friend was becoming concerned about the possible effects of this barrage son his son.  

At first, when I asked him about whether he had talked with the boy, he seemed a bit embarrassed at the question and then he admitted that he had not.  Strengthening his position, he asserted that he did not need to have the talk.  His son learned about the facts of life in school.  Talking with his son would be redundant.  Initially, his explanation seemed adequate.  Then I recognized the fallacy of his thinking.  I reasserted that the talk was not to explain the mechanics of sex, which I was sure the school did an admirable job of communicating.  His job as a father was to communicate his values around sex, women and relationships.  The school, while very useful, could not instruct his son regarding attitudes and values.  Expanding on this, I recognized that his son could learn about sex from the school, from a talk with his father, and most importantly, from watching his father's relationships with women. 

Thus I became aware of one major value of fathers to their sons.  A mother's ability to teach her son how to respect women is limited.  The most powerful lessons come from watching how Dad treats Mom.  These lessons are learned unconsciously and become deeply embedded in the son's psyche. 

If Dad doesn't help around the house, whatever Mom does to make her son contribute will be less effective in the long run.  The son learns that men do not participate in household chores.  If Dad does not help around the house, no matter what Mom does, the likelihood is that when the son is married he will not help around the house.  When the father helps with cleaning, dishes or laundry, the son is more likely to become a man that shares in the household chores. 

How Mom responds to Dad shapes the interaction and influences the lesson learned.  If Dad is abusive, but Mom refuses to tolerate this behavior, watching Dad change or leave or grow is a great opportunity for the son to identify the kind of man he will become.  Conversely, if Dad and Mom can disagree, have a healthy fight and conclude with a mutually agreeable outcome, the son learns that it is okay to hold his own and stand up for what he believes in within marriage.  Frequently, families will assure me that although the father was absent, this had little or no impact on the children.  If Dad leaves, life's lessons carry on.  Dad still provides a message for his son.  The child learns that it is okay to leave.  Without Dad at home, boys will often seek out a male role model in the form of a grandfather, teacher, coach, or in the peer group. 

It is important not to underestimate the huge influence fathers have on their children.  Verbal directions can reinforce or discourage behaviors, but it is the actual behavior of the father that is the primary education.  Ultimately, the most effective education is two parents working together.  

Reprinted from the Connecticut Connection, Summer 2005

"NO!"

Children need to learn the word "No."  Preferably, they will learn it from their parents.  Parents teach the word "No" with love.  When the child is about to put their hand on the burner of the stove, a parent may scream "No."  They do it out of love.  If a child does not learn the word from their parents, they have to learn it from Vice-principals, police, correctional officers or Judges.  These people do not teach it with love.  Rather, they tend to teach it as a kind of harsh reality.  Either way, you have to learn the word "No."  Therefore, I contend that it is a parent's responsibility to learn how to say it.

Growing Healthy Parents

When I was at Syracuse University, I took child development, adolescent development and adult life psychology.  I appreciated developmental psychology and relished looking at psychology over the life cycle.  However, I no longer believe any of it. 
   Since studying systems theory or looking at the family as a whole, rather than the individual parts, I realized that developmental psychology, from a linear point of view misses a fundamental component, namely the interaction within the family.  While biology is a key process in the child's growth, child development is also, to some degree, contingent on the growth of the parents.  For example, an infant's willingness to give up breast feeding is contingent, in part, upon whether mom is ready to give up breast feeding.  Similarly, mom's willingness to give up breast feeding is impacted by her relationship with the baby's father and the father's connectedness with the baby.  These interactions are powerful influences on the child's growth or lack thereof.
   There is huge difference between saying "no" to the 2-year-old, saying "no" to the 13-year-old and saying "no" to the 17-year-old.  Learning to say "no" to different age children, requires that the parents mature with age.  Just as the child changes over time, so do the parents.
   Psychology has provided us with an excellent description of the child's stages of development.  What we now want to do is describe the challenges parents must face at each separate stage of parenting and provide numerous examples and anecdotes that illustrate the critical challenges that must be addressed.  Essentially, we will provide a systems description of parental development and the role it plays in raising a child: Teach Your Parents Well.

Measuring Relationships

Marriage and family therapists are frequently asked the question whether or not a relationship is a healthy one.  Our clients want our opinion on whether their partner is good for them, whether they are soul-mates, and whether we can predict a long, healthy relationship.  Obviously, therapists are not in the position to make such statements.  Also, therapists are not immune to wondering if their own partner is good for them.    How can we determine whether a current relationship is healthy?  There is a viable way to assess a relationship to determine whether it is in fact healthy.  

What seems insignificant in this problem is the concept of love.  There are many people in life that one can love.  Loving others is very easy to do.  However, loving someone else seems almost inconsequential when it comes to whether the relationship is healthy.  We fall in love for numerous reasons that have nothing to do with compatibility.  People fall in love because of chemistry, because they are opposites of who we are, or even because they resemble a parent.  Probably everyone has had the experience of loving someone who was unquestionably bad for them.  

Usually when you ask how come someone is with their partner,  most will answer because they love them.  In substance abuse treatment, when counselors ask partners how come they are together, clients are first cautioned that they are not allowed to refer to love when answering the question.  This often results in partners having difficulty answering the question.  It is easy to say that you are with someone because you love them, but if you were to lay that aside, would you be able to give coherent reasons for being with your partner?  

When I was a young man, my insecurity had a huge effect on my relationships.  I was always afraid that my girlfriends would meet someone ‘better’ than I was.  I was afraid they would meet someone who was better looking, more athletic, richer, cooler, smarter or drove a better car.  The result was that I would hold on to these relationships with a death grip, to keep from losing them.  As you can imagine, no matter how much a girl likes you, if you hold on that tight, they will eventually run away, usually kicking and screaming.  

Then, when I became engaged to my wife, I remember Carl Whitaker telling me, “you shouldn’t get married, unless you can handle being all alone.”  He knew that marriages fail if you hold on to your partner too tight.  This gave me a clue as to how to recognize a healthy versus an unhealthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship, your world grows.  You are involved with your family and friends.  You are involved in activities you enjoy, sometimes with your partner, sometimes alone.    When you are in an unhealthy relationship, your world gets smaller.  Your partner discourages you from seeing your family.  They don’t like your friends.  They complain when you stay at work late.  They may check your cell phone to see who you are calling.  They may monitor your Facebook or Twitter accounts.  They are constantly giving you feedback that you need to spend your time with them exclusively.  

The next time someone questions whether their current relationship is a positive one for them, ask them if their world is growing or getting smaller.  They will know right away whether they are in a healthy relationship or not.