When I was engaged to be married, Leo Berman, M.D. a wise old psychiatrist, asked if he could speak to me. “William, I want to give you a piece of advice that took me 35 years to learn. I’m giving it to you free of charge. When my wife is upset, there are an infinite number of ways I can react. For years I failed her. I would listen, give advice and be shot down. After many years I have found the most effective way to respond to my wife when she’s upset. I sit down next to her. I put my arm around her. And I shut the f--k up.”
At first I thought he was kidding. Then he went on.
“Anything that I would say, she would hear as condescending. She would hear me saying that I could come up with a better way to handle things than she could. I was sending the message that I knew more than she did. That never worked and it took me all these years to understand. So when your wife is upset, sit down next to her, put your arm around her and shut the f--k up.”
I have applied this to my marriage. I have shared this with many men. All have found that partners need to feel supported and listened to and specifically not told how to handle a problem. Being told to sit next to my wife, with my arm around her, shut up and listen was the best marriage advice I ever received.
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