We never cry in my Family: First Entry

Years ago I realized that if I live long enough, I would eventually have to lose everyone I love. It's a very disturbing thought. Having experienced many losses in my life, you would think one would become used to it. But that's not the way it works.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my mother's death. It's been 34 years since I lost her. Having mourned her extensively, her death has lost its sting. I'm convinced that what happens is that if you allow yourself to feel the pain over and over, while the wound remains forever, it losses its ability to control you.
For years after her death, the loss dominated my decision making. I tried to avoid the pain. I learned every trick in the book, to not feel the hurt. But in the long run, they didn't work. I did feel the pain, deeply and repeatedly. I believe this saved my life. If I had succeeded in avoiding the pain, it would have consumed me. It would have continued to dominate my decision making.
I can remember a few months after she died thinking, "family is good. I really appreciate having had a family. I will have to have another family someday." It was over 10 years later that I began having a family. Yesterday, I spent the day surrounded by my new family. There were the usual fights and skermishes. But it was indeed a blessing. My new family is much more connected and loving then the family I grew up with.
The key for me is that by learning to let go of people I have lost, I learn to let in new ones. My heart has continued to grow over these decades and my life is much richer having learned to mourn and then let more people get close to me. This is a great blessing in my life.
I intend to continue trying to write about my loss and how I survived. I trust this will be useful.