Thursday, July 4, 2013

Teaching Feminism to Little Boys

Teaching Feminism to Little Boys

Carl Whitaker, M.D. often asked the question, "Of what value is a father?"  Appreciating this question, I have posed it to groups with whom I work.  Over the years, I have been impressed with the inadequacy of the answers I have received.  When you ask this question to single mothers, they will tell you, adamantly, that fathers are totally useless. 

In answering his own question, Carl postulated that the value of a father to a little girl is that this may be the only male in her life that will love her without any sexual complications.  Whether or not you agree, his point is worth considering.  However, Carl's answer was incomplete.  I was left with the question of what value are fathers to their sons.  What can a father teach boys that a mother cannot?

Recently, my wife inadvertently provided me with an answer.  She and another mother were talking about when they first had sons.  They were committed to raising mature men who were not chauvinistic.  Evidently, they had made a pact that they would raise their boys to respect women and treat them as equals.  They agreed that they would make sure that their boys learned to take their own dishes to the sink, to help around the house and to treat women respectfully, etc.  I was impressed with their plan.  As a result I started thinking about how boys learn feminism.  Feminism, in my definition, is recognizing the equality between genders without assigning a role to either gender.  

I remember asking a friend if he had the "sex talk" with his 14-year-old son.  His son is handsome, athletic and intelligent.  As a result, every night he was receiving multiple phone calls from girls.  My friend was becoming concerned about the possible effects of this barrage son his son.  

At first, when I asked him about whether he had talked with the boy, he seemed a bit embarrassed at the question and then he admitted that he had not.  Strengthening his position, he asserted that he did not need to have the talk.  His son learned about the facts of life in school.  Talking with his son would be redundant.  Initially, his explanation seemed adequate.  Then I recognized the fallacy of his thinking.  I reasserted that the talk was not to explain the mechanics of sex, which I was sure the school did an admirable job of communicating.  His job as a father was to communicate his values around sex, women and relationships.  The school, while very useful, could not instruct his son regarding attitudes and values.  Expanding on this, I recognized that his son could learn about sex from the school, from a talk with his father, and most importantly, from watching his father's relationships with women. 

Thus I became aware of one major value of fathers to their sons.  A mother's ability to teach her son how to respect women is limited.  The most powerful lessons come from watching how Dad treats Mom.  These lessons are learned unconsciously and become deeply embedded in the son's psyche. 

If Dad doesn't help around the house, whatever Mom does to make her son contribute will be less effective in the long run.  The son learns that men do not participate in household chores.  If Dad does not help around the house, no matter what Mom does, the likelihood is that when the son is married he will not help around the house.  When the father helps with cleaning, dishes or laundry, the son is more likely to become a man that shares in the household chores. 

How Mom responds to Dad shapes the interaction and influences the lesson learned.  If Dad is abusive, but Mom refuses to tolerate this behavior, watching Dad change or leave or grow is a great opportunity for the son to identify the kind of man he will become.  Conversely, if Dad and Mom can disagree, have a healthy fight and conclude with a mutually agreeable outcome, the son learns that it is okay to hold his own and stand up for what he believes in within marriage.  Frequently, families will assure me that although the father was absent, this had little or no impact on the children.  If Dad leaves, life's lessons carry on.  Dad still provides a message for his son.  The child learns that it is okay to leave.  Without Dad at home, boys will often seek out a male role model in the form of a grandfather, teacher, coach, or in the peer group. 

It is important not to underestimate the huge influence fathers have on their children.  Verbal directions can reinforce or discourage behaviors, but it is the actual behavior of the father that is the primary education.  Ultimately, the most effective education is two parents working together.  


Reprinted from the Connecticut Connection, Summer 2005

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