Friday, July 19, 2013

Whitaker's Advice to Couples in Trouble




A psychiatrist friend of mine, trained with my mentor, Carl Whitaker, M.D.   We shared a bond having both had the privilege of being close to Carl.  We often shared stories about Carl’s more extreme ideas.  One day, my friend took me aside to talk.  He had a very serious tone to his voice.  He told me that his marriage was in trouble.  They had tried, on their own, to work out their differences, but had thus far been unsuccessful.  Both he and his wife wanted the relationship to work and were desperate to save the marriage.  Finally, they both agreed that they would impose on Carl and ask him for his thoughts and recommendations.  
He reminded me that Carl was considered the grandfather of family therapy.  He was internationally recognized as an expert in marital relationships.  This was a great opportunity for my friend to obtain advice on his marriage from the ‘master.’
“And what do you think he said?”  I didn’t have any idea what Carl Whitaker had told him.  I had long since given up trying to second guess Carl.  He always surprised me.  “Do you know what he said, do you know what he said?  He said fight it out.  I waited for a moment to see what else he was going to add, but that was it.  With all the information and wisdom he has, all he could tell me was to fight it out.”  
My friend was very disappointed.  He was obviously expecting a more thorough and extensive response.  I don’t think he took Carl up on his recommendation, because I heard later that the couple had separated.  The more I consider the advise, the more impressed I am.  In its simplicity, Carl had captured the heart of what strengthens couples.  If a committed couple can tolerate the anxiety of fighting out their difficulties (in a fair way), interact on such a passionate and meaningful level, and resolve the conflict, the relationship has to grow in intimacy.  If they can’t tolerate the kind of intimacy that comes with fighting, it will be very difficult for the relationship to grow.   

A version of this was published in the Connecticut Connection.

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