Doing the Dishes with Love

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I consulted with several doctors for their opinions.  I wanted to know how I got cancer and how to get rid of it.  Generally, they all had the same treatment plan, but none of them could tell me how I contracted prostate cancer.  

This was a time of a lot of self reflection.  I was faced with my own life and death issue.  Anyone who has ever experienced this moment knows what Tim McGraw means when he says, “live like you are dying.”  It changed how I was thinking.   I spent considerable time going inside and looking at myself.   I wanted to face my demon.

I took responsibility for getting cancer.  I was told I was wrong.  I was told to accept it.  They said, “shit happens.”  I did not believe that for a moment.  In my thinking, my mind, body and spirit had to be aligned to let in cancer.  I recognize that I am not responsible for the biology I was given, only what I do with it.   I used therapy to work on it.  I talked to the cancer in my body.   I had dialogues with it.  I asked it where it came from.   A memory came back I had buried.  

My early 40’s was a tough time.  We were raising kids, I was trying to make a career, we had a house to maintain and it was a huge amount of work.  After the kids were asleep and my wife fell asleep, I still had to bring up the wood for the wood stove, set a fire that would last all night, feed the cats, turn off all the lights, lock up the house and finally do the dishes.  Through my immaturity, I became resentful that I didn’t have my own time to work on my own stuff.  When you are a therapist, and you give all day, you need time by yourself  to recharge the batteries.  I would stay up later and later to have time by myself and then I was getting less sleep and then I was more angry.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family.  I loved them with all my heart.  I was angry at the circumstances of my life.  I was angry with me.  

I can remember thinking, “Is this it?  Is this all there is?  If this is it, I don’t want to do this for 40 more years.  At that very moment I gave myself a message that I didn’t want to live.  I believe that this was when I let the cancer in.  

I knew I had to change my attitude.  If I was to survive I had to change my perspective on my life.  I could no longer afford to be resentful of doing the dishes and all the rest.  One night I decided that if I looked at those dishes and felt resentful, I would leave them for the next day.  But if I could do them with love, I would clean up the kitchen.  Over time, this commitment to only do things with love, grew.  I applied it to other aspects of my life.  I quickly realized that I was doing the dishes more often.  When I approached them with love for the family, it was easy to zip through them.  

I doubt that there are any, oncologists that would agree with my diagnosis.  Andrew Weil, M.D. once told me, “It’s easy to get cancer, harder to get rid of it.”  Getting rid of it meant working on my body, my mind and my spirit.  I know that I needed medicine to conquer my cancer, but my spirit had to believe in it and want it.